>Dear Alcohol,
>
>First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
>friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
>cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the
>holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless
>family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your
>intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at
>heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
>
>1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I
>question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
>takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
>ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear
>from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
>
>2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I
>eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some
>stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few
>cheese curls & chili cheese fries? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you
>went too far this time.
>
>3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
>more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
>causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
>marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
>Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
>door key into the lock.
>
>4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
>ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
>order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
>entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water,
>vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down
>on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal &
>in no way interfere with my daily activities.
>
>Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to
>ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
>stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when
>I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to
>continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances
>above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
>Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we
>can continue this fruitful partnership.
>
>Thank you,
>Your biggest fan
>
>P.S.
>THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
>2. Nope, no more beer for me.
>3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
>4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
>5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.