I should be making up my grocery list and getting my coupons in order. I don't feel like it. I'm a bit peeved at Aunt Flo. The damn bitch made me GAIN 1/2 lb!!! I thought for SURE I'd dropped at least 2 lbs this week, fuck, I even exersized! But NO! Goddamn water weight! And YES, I'm drinking so much fucking water, I'm ready to float. I am going to try and give up diet coke for a week to see if that helps. Beer & soda bloat the hell out of me. One girl lost 6 1/2 lbs this week and I'm GREEN with envy! Yeah, Aunt Flo is due, I'm bitching about stupid things.
Ok, think of something funny........alright here's a twisted funny story.
One year when I went home to Michigan, I stayed with Spaz. Pudd'n & I slept in the basement. On my first day there, I walked up and popped my head in the kitchen to say 'morning. Spaz was making her two boys breakfast, we chat, I turn and take a misstep. Down the basement stairs I go. I ended up in the dog's water dish at the bottom of the stairs. Spaz comes flying down to see what happens, gets me to the couch and has to run back upstairs because the youngest is crying and breakfast is burning. Mean while, her old is fireing off a million questions.
"Why did you fall down the stairs Aunt Maeve?", "why did you land in the dog water?" "Why you crying Aunt Maeve?", "are you going to the doctors?" Will they give you a shot? I'm trying to stay calm while seeing double vision. Pudd'n is sleeping through all this.
Spaz calls her husband to come home so she can take me to emergency. We end up in a little room and I'm getting hungry. Spaz goes out to the vending machine and brings me back pop tarts and diet coke. Bless her! Well, Nurse Wratchet comes in and scolds us, no food allowed. Bitch! They were strawberry pop tarts! My favorites. The doctor finally arrives and his name is Dr. KNIPPLE!!!!! I thought spaz was going to piss her pants. You pronounced the K, it was not silent. Well dr. KNIPPLE starts poking & prodding me. He gets to my left hip where I had landed, pokes, I scream, grab his fingers and bend them back to make HIM yelp in pain. "I guess that hurts there huh?". No fucking shit doc!
The bastard sends me home with no painkillers. Tells me to take 3 advil for the pain. I don't have a head injury thank Goddess, but I pick up a lot of whiskey. Nothing kills the pain better than whiskey.
Oh yeah, dr. KNIPPLE wants to know if there is an adult at home that can call 911 if anything else happens to my graceful ass. I tell him "yeah, her (spaz's) son. He's 5, he qualifies as an adult". dr. Knipple was not amused with me & spaz. We were giggleing like 12 year olds.
I can laugh now when I look back on that day. Then, it wasn't that funny. Well, dr. knipple was........