Thanks Rayanne!!

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a HUGE

fan of yours.

As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed.

The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game and

you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside

chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the

midst of endless family gatherings).

However, lately I've been wondering about your

intentions. While I want to believe that you have my

best interests at heart, I feel that your influence

has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls/Text Messages: While I agree with you

that communication is important. I question the

suggestion that conversation after 2 a.m. can have

much substance or necessity. Why would you make me

call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they

DO NOT want to hear from me during the day,

let alone all hours of the night.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why

do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce

along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips

(washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat

AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an
eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me

that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I

see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to

fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black

& blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the

next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never

take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key

into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This

is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our

previous evening's debauchery may be in order. But,

the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely

unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the

proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread

products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out

(face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn

or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and in no

way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years

now and would like to ensure that we remain on good

terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the

provocation for much laughter, and the needed

companion when I just don't know what to do with the

extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you

carefully review my grievances above and address them

immediately. I will look for an answer no later than

Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible

solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful

partnership.

Thank you,

Your Biggest Fan